Written by Monochrome
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Topics: Media, british

Tuesday, 7 February 2006

image for Arse Transplant Man Faces the World
Thanks I'll Stand

The heavily disguised 37 year old British arse transplant man appeared before the international media today in his first public appearance since the operation.

The man, known only as Mr R. Send, was wearing a long blond wig, reflective Ray Bans and a thick black beard; reminiscent of Brigit Bardot in her later years.

Mr Send walked into the meeting unaided and seemingly without any difficulty but replied, "I'll stand thanks." When offered a chair.

Mr Send and his surgeons are delighted with his new posterior. "The bottom just dropped out my world." Declared Send without a hint of irony. "It's given me my life back. I still can't sit for long but my farts smell just like they always did, although the sound has altered a little, this may improve as the muscle tone returns."

"We're very pleased." Said the operation team leader, Dr Derry Aire. "There is a certain amount of scaring and it tends to hang open a bit but the colour match is superb. The drugs have controlled any rejection problems but we are slightly concerned that Mr Send has resumed eating curry, we all know what havoc a good, hot vindaloo on Friday night can cause to your ring piece."

"I tried to give up curry." Said Send, nervously adjusting his beard and wig. "The stress has been unbearable and curry just helps me relax a bit. I can't really put any weight on the transplant yet and the thigh muscles get a bit sore when you're hanging your arse over the can while you're having a good clearout in the morning after a Ruby Murray the night before!"

Mr Send spoke about his accident; he lost his arse after lighting a cigarette when using a water closet. "I woke up on the floor and thought that I could smell pork cooking. I staggered to my feet and took a piece of The Daily Mail with a picture of David Cameron on to wipe my arse and, well imagine my shock when I couldn't find anything to wipe! That just proves that smoking's bad for you! So I flushed Cameron away and called the ambulance."

Mr Send commented on the controversy which has surrounded his operation. "I can understand people having reservations but try going through life with no arse. I just want to put it all behind me."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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