After 17 years in power of the world's most isolated country (no not Britain), North Korea's leader Kim-Jong Il has died at the age of 69. It is thought that poorly-fitted spectacles led to his death. His Prime Minister released a statement which simply said, "He should have gone to a popular chain of high street optical retailers."
North Korea has declared twenty days of enforced mourning. All families in the country must send half a pint of tears to the government during this time to prove their loyalty. Failure to do so will lead to a reduction in rations. The tears will be used to power an enormous electrochemical battery - the world's only lachrymal energy plant, which produces up to 0.1% of North Korea's power.
Kim-Jong Il will be succeeded by his son, Kim-Jong Un, a quiet, roly-poly man who achieved fame in the 1980s for playing Roland in the long-running children's soap "Grange Hill". Kim-Jong Un is a man of few words, preferring to stuff his chubby cheeks with pork pies whenever he can. He is an unlikely choice for a ruler, and it is possible he will be ousted by popular General Zammo.
Although the country is thought to be developing nuclear weapons, it is also desperately poor, and millions are starving. The US has been trying to negotiate a "Nukes for Food" programme, where North Korea will give up its nuclear weapons to the US in exchange for a steady supply of burgers, pies and other fatty foodstuffs. One US general explained the strategy, "We'll feed them up so they won't be able to fight us. Hell, it worked well enough on our own people."