Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: France, Madness, Insanity

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

image for Certifiable Lunatic Dies From Unvented Spleen
He Wuz Barking. So He Was.

CALAIS - FRANCE French police today announced that local eccentric and certifiable lunatic, Alain De La Derriere has been found dead at his apartment, close by the cross channel ferryport.

M De La Derriere has long been regarded as an eccentric in his hometown, where he frequently paraded the streets in drag at night, howling at the moon, and exposing his 'bits' to stray dogs.

In recent months though, M La Derriere's profile has expanded around the globe, as YouTube footage of his nocturnal meanderings were posted and went viral.

Acquaintances (He had no friends.) of M De La Derriere related how he had become depressed following a perceived slight from a local newspaper editor, who had refused to further publish any of M De La Derriere's nonsensical letters to the editor, on the letters page of local Calais newspaper, Le Monde De Mon Tete.

"His letters were pure merde," Editor, Maxine De La Croix declared. "Sure, he was enthusiastic, but it quickly became obvious that he was quite wrong in the head. We consulted a trick cyclist, who advised us that it would be safer to no longer publish De La Derriere's nonsensical gobbledegook. The trick cyclist advised us that De La Derriere was delusional, with a persecution complex, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, early onset senile dementia, delusions of grandeur, chronic sexual frustration, a compulsive liar, and probably an alcoholic drug addict. Who has sex with pigs. Or horses. And possibly even indulged in the ritual sacrifice of goats in the back garden at midnight on full moons. Or whatever it is that those people do."

Ironically, De La Derriere soon found global fame, becoming well known in the comments section of the Daily Male website, on the back of his viral YouTube exploits. Following on from this, he founded his own internet blog: www.twistedmelonsman.con but quickly became disillusioned when it died a death by apathy. It seemed that no matter how much De La Derriere vented his spleen on the blog, there were only ever one or two like minded padded cell jobs who were prepared to indulge him in his extravagance, and he lapsed into depression, frequently indulging in copious amounts of opium and absinthe in his lonely Calais garret.

He was arrested in 2011 for chasing schoolgirls around the streets of Calais, whilst raising his skirts and shouting that he was 'a bloody lesbian!' At the time, he was described by a senior French police official as: "Absolutely barking."

On that occasion he was given a caution. And told in no uncertain terms by the magistrate not to do it again. Because it wasn't very nice. Conduct unbecoming. And that.

Dr Yves St Diablo, who had treated De La Derrire in a previous psychotic episode, advised that his patient had probably fallen out of his rocking chair because he wasn't getting the attention he deserved, and went on an orgy of self destructive hatred on Farcebook. At which point, it is considered that his spleen exploded under intolerable pressure because he couldn't vent it fast enough.

"That's probably what killed him," said Dr St Diablo. "His spleen finally exploded. Simples, innit."

In a supreme twist of irony, a Paris publisher revealed that at the time of De La Derriere's unfortunate demise, he was under serious consideration to be published for the first time in his miserable life, in a coffee table anthology book, entitled: La Revue De Bastille.

De La Derrire, sadly, expired unpublished. And forever forgotten.

He leaves behind, a resigned ex-partner, half a pack of Gauloises, two thirds of a bottle of absinthe, seven viagra pills, a butt plug with a horse's tail attached, a ball of string, seventy six Euros, a bell jar filled with his own bile, and a Toshiba laptop. With unlimited broadband.

A tragic tale of our times.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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