Santa is in trouble after a whistleblower exposed Santa's operation as an illegal glacé cherry producer. However, the cherries are not quite as they seem; glacé cherries are not made from cherries but are really the noses of baby reindeer who carry the Rudolf gene.
The whislteblower; Ex elf Mr Ex-elf (56, midget, big hands, used to be an elf) said, "Rudolf was milked dry of semen on a daily basis and was terrorised for over 20 years before he died. Santa impregnated female reindeer to produce babies with red noses. At 3 months the baby reindeer are killed, their noses removed and preserved in syrup, but that's not all!"
Video footage shows actual red nose harvesting as baby deer have their faces sliced and their legs cuts off before being thrown into wood pulping machines as feed for the remaining reindeer, numbering over 2,000,000 in a continuous cycle of birth, cherries and death.
The remaining legs are then dried, smeared in brown goo and sold as a popular crunchy snack which looks like twigs and taste like a pig has shat in your mouth; you know the one I mean.
The mass farming of red nosed baby reindeer has provoked outrage.
Many malls in Britain, Finland, Zambia and the USA have already closed the shutters to Santa and any of Santa's 'helpers' who dress up like Santa and bounce little children on their knees. One mall manager Charles McKenzie explains, "Mutilating baby reindeer for the production of sweet cocktail garnish and twig like snacks is not really in the sprit of Christmas."
McKenzie continues, "Our staff will kill anyone, on sight, who looks like Santa. We've killed twelve already, their heads are on spikes at the front of the mall as an example to others."
Santa has so far refused to comment, preferring to simply gob at us.
Mr Ex-elf sums it up, "I'm not surprised. You should believe in Santa, he's 100% real but make no mistake, he's a christmas cunt."