Queensland, Australia - Detectives from Worra-Palarver township in northern Queensland were today racking their brains as they desperately attempted to unravel the sequence of events which resulted in the horrible deaths of seventeen people - fifteen men, and two women, in a remote farm complex in Northern Queensland.
Worra-Palarver police were alerted to the scene by an anonymous phone tip, and upon arrival at the homestead, reported finding bodies 'all over the shop,' according to Detective Deacon Blue.
A neighbour described the scene as being: 'A bloodbath. Except the blood wasn't actually in a bath. It was all over the bloody place.'
According to reports, each and every one of the deaths could only be regarded as, 'a bit suspicious, to say the least,' as it was revealed that stab wounds, gunshot wounds, chainsaw wounds, third degree burns, acid burns, death by immolation, strangulation, and impalement were all listed as probable causes of death.
The only source of evidence - other than all the forensic stuff - was revealed to be CCTV footage from a home security camera system, which depicted a life or death struggle between two badly injured men, in the pouring rain, as they scrambled about in the mud trying to retrieve a dropped WWI Webley revolver.
"The CCTV footage, is, quite frankly, bloody horrific," Detective Deacon Blue told reporters. "It shows a couple of blokes emerging from the farmhouse, fighting like the bloody clappers. Throwing punches like there's no tomorrow. One of the blokes was wearing a blood spattered white vest, and the other was topless. They both appeared to be wearing Levi 501's. The bloke in the vest had a pistol when they emerged, and the bloke who was shirtless was trying to get it off him.
"They must have punched each other in the head at least a thousand times, and kicked one another in the knackers at least seventy six times apiece, before the gun went spinning in the air, and landed in the mud. A desperate struggle ensued, as the exhausted combatants wrestled on the ground, biting, gouging, head-butting, bollock twisting, and stabbing, as they fought to gain control of the dropped weapon.
"Eventually, the bloke who was shirtless, appeared to give up on going for the the dropped gun, and picked up a handy sledgehammer. But just as he brought the sledgehammer down on the other bloke's head, the other bloke picked up the gun and fired.
"It was all a bit of a waste of time and energy come to think about it, because they killed each other in the end. Bit of a shame really, because I had ten bucks on the shirtless bloke winning. With Dougie, down at the bar, where we watched the CCTV tape. To Dougie's credit though, he did stand me a pint of the amber kangaroo piss nectar out of his winnings. The cheeky blodger. As for what it was all about - we haven't a fucking clue, mate. But we'll put it up on YouTube anyway. For a laugh, like."
Anyone with information regarding this bloodbath which didn't actually feature a bath at any stage is strongly advised to contact the Worra-Palarver police, who vowed today to act upon any information received as soon as they've had enough at the pub.
More Antipodean antics as we get them.