Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Saturday, 10 December 2011

image for Britain Moves To Distance Itself From Europe

As the Eurozone crisis deepens and the French and Germans seek draconian new powers to bring about a single European economy and extensive cultural unification, Britain has, finally, looked to protect its own interests.

After British Prime Minister David Cameron's veto of plans to form a new European bloc, the knives are out amongst Britain's former partners. In fact, such belligerence and open hostility has not been seen in Europe since a certain Herr Hitler took power in 1933, with some commentators speculating about the possibility of future armed conflict in Europe.

With the French and German governments seemingly happy to watch Britain depart Europe, the British government has taken an unusually strong stance. Prime Minister David Cameron said, "We will not be dictated to by Paris and Berlin. I will not stand by and watch our great financial institutions be taken over by foreign powers. I will not allow economic policy to be driven by Merkel and Sarkozy. And, above all, I will submit to wearing lederhosen and eating schnitzel, no more than I will stop taking baths and listening to Sacha Distel records. It's nothing but poppycock!"

Cameron went on to say, "We need to put more distance between ourselves and Europe. The English Channel is only 22 miles wide and is clearly an insufficient buffer. To this end, we intend to tow the British mainland to a position just west of the Canary Islands. This will be far enough to escape the stench of garlic, sauerkraut and the sound of men slapping their thighs and singing loud marching songs. We will finally enjoy pleasant weather all year round and have long, liquid lunches, followed by a siesta. What more could one want?"

In the absence of the British mainland, the Isle of Wight ferry, the Anglesey life boat and the Skye coast guard will remain on station to protect Britain's maritime interests. The Portsmouth-Bilbao car ferry will now extend its sailing route to service the new location of the British mainland. Spain has agreed to accommodate Britain within its territorial waters, provided they can talk about Gibraltar again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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