A furious David Cameron, allegedly this evening threatened to head-butt French President Sarkozy, following the much reported incident where Sarkozy snubbed the PM as he vetoed an EU motion, and basically told Germany and France that if they wanted the Euro bailing out, not to look at Britain.
Mr Cameron was reported to be spitting feathers, following the Frenchman's incredibly rude handshake snub.
"The PM was fuming," a senior British delegate told a reporter in a Brussels public convenience, in the city's Grande Place. "He admitted that he was so taken aback that he was simply too stunned to respond. But he told some of us that he wasn't having any of it, and that next time the Frenchman crossed him, he'd head-butt him and spark him out good and proper. His knuckles were white as he spoke, and his upper lip was so stiff it was vibrating."
Upon being informed of this latest development, President Sarkozy allegedly jeered:
"Merde! Zis Cameron - ee could not ker-nock ze skin off la rice pudding! Ee iz - ow you say - a beeg woofter. Ee is no match for ze blinding speed, punching power and devastating body swerve of I - Sarkozy. I ave studied savate at le Sorbonne. I am lethal when riled. I will his head kick in and his neck knackerrr up. Ze Engleesh? Bah! Humbug! - alzough I murst admeet zat at first I sought an 'umbug was a hat. Un chapeau, you understand. Bah! Humbug! And perspiration laden coulottes to le Cameron. E eez jurst a beeg bum hole 'oo likes to talk a good fight!"
Sarkozy's remarks allegedly led to David Cameron drinking two glasses of absinthe and making an impassioned plea to former Labour Minister, Lord Prescott, for fighting lessons.
Anglo-French-German relations have never been worse since Winston Churchill threatened to body slam General Charles DeGaulle, and ordered bombing raids on Dresden during the latter stages of World War II.
"This is no laughing matter," proclaimed Loose Women TV presenter, Carol McGiffen. "For all I know, Angela Merkel could start bombing Hackney again. It's time Europe started putting its own house in order, and got back to doing what it does best - providing cheap fags, booze, and sunshine holidays."
More as we get it.