Humpty Dumpty, a nursery rhyme character who fell off a wall, is to claim compensation over his literally "life-shattering" event - and will not settle until new wall safety laws are brought into action.
The rhyme itself goes:
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the King's horses and all the King's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
Mr Dumpty contacted the National Accident Helpline after seeing one of their adverts on TV. The NAH 'experts' told Mr Dumpty his case was a strong one, and he was sure to get no less than £50,000 if his case is won.
The Helpline has helped many people regain their lives with ridiculous amounts of money. Such a case is that of Betty Henderson - who won £10,000 in a case against Sky News for causing "traumatisation" when she saw "shocking and horrific" images of Tony Blair.
Mr Dumpty's case is progressing "surprisingly well for an injury claims case", according to his solicitor. Mr Dumpty has presented his side of the case already, and the opposition - George Baker, Minister for Walls - is set to present his tomorrow.
Besides severe pain and injuries, Mr Dumpty has pointed out that the rhyme has scarred generations of children, who have been upset by a main character suffering terrible injuries with seemingly no end in sight. "It has made children think that there is no end for pain, even if you have the help of royalty to try and ease the pain." said Mr Dumpty. "What sort of message are we trying to teach our children with a sad story that has no happy ending?"
Mr Dumpty revisited the site of the accident three days ago, but left because he was "plagued by vivid images of the incident". Flowers from thoughtful members of the public are left by the wall. "The Fall Wall", as it is now known, attracts roughly one hundred Humpty Dumpty sympathisers, who can see re-enactments, leave tokens of appreciation and visit the gift shop to buy toy Humpty Dumpty dolls and browse the shop's book range with Walls: Graffitti-Ridden Killers and A Famous Fall: The Humpty Dumpty Autobiography.
Alternatively, you could support the Humpty Dumpty Charity, who strive to end "wall-related deaths", which - they claim - account for nearly 5% of world deaths per year. The Charity's head, Alex Brown, said "We are delighted that finally Mr Dumpty is taking appropriate action towards his terrible accident - perhaps now the world will listen to his and many others' plight."