Written by Michael Balton
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Monday, 28 November 2011

image for Pope Orders 'Missal Launch' on Salt Lake City, Igniting a Holy War

The Vatican - The introduction of a new Missal, the prayer book that serves as the script for the Catholic Mass, has resulted in a Holy War between two of the world's religions.

Upon publication of the new spiritual guide last weekend, Pope Benedict XVI ordered that an extra 10,000 copies of the missals be "launched" for shipment by air to the Mormon Tabernacle in Salt Lake City, Utah.

"This new Mass is the bomb," the Pope was overheard as saying. "I want our Mormon brethren to experience it immediately."

Intelligence sources for the Mormons, meanwhile, misinterpreted the Pope's words. They believed that the Catholics were about to launch a nuclear strike on their headquarters city.

"It was an honest misunderstanding," said Papal Nuncio Hans Georg Schultz. "His Holiness has had it in for the Mormons ever since he became a priest. He thinks that they're having way too much fun.

"So one can understand that when the Mormons heard that the Catholic Church was sending more powerful missals their way, they got a little panicky."

The Mormons were not amused by the resulting confusion. "This is another example of the Pope's so-called infallibility going haywire," said a spokes-saint. "It's like watching an NFL game that's out of replay reviews. You get a lot of bad calls."

In a related development, presidential contender Mitt Romney, who is a member of the Mormon church, called on Pope Benedict to endorse his candidacy "and all will be forgotten. We Republicans are good at forgetting."

The US Department of Homeland Security, meanwhile, was not as forgetting or forgiving. It immediately put all Catholics and Mormons on its "no-fly list" and prohibited them from wearing shoes in public.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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