FIFA president Sepp Blatter has been credited with solving the long-running Stephen Lawrence murder case after a gang of white racists agreed to shake hands with the parents of Stephen Lawrence.
"I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner," said a relieved Mr Lawrence. "Until Mr Blatter announced that racism could be solved with a handshake we were in despair."
A spokesperson for the white gang of murderers, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said they were happy to let bygones be bygones.
Sepp Blatter's peacekeeping plan has also been employed in Wall Street, with anti-capitalists shaking hands with bankers and agreeing to go their separate ways.
"I feel so much better," said one Occupy Wall Street protestor. "I used to hate bankers for being so wealthy, but after shaking one's hand I am now happy for them. They are such lovely guys - at least that one was."
President Obama has now asked Sepp Blatter to act as a peace envoy in Israel to see if his handshake peacekeeping method can be employed between Palestinians and Israelis.
The Taliban have rejected a request to shake hands with allied soldiers, saying they are having too much fun trying to blow them up.