Written by queen mudder
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Friday, 11 November 2011

image for Paranoid Polish numerology nutz close Egyptian Pyramids in 11/11/11 scare
Polish pyramid scheme: authorities said the crystals 'most likely methamphetamine'

Giza - Crystal-rattling numerologists from Dar Swiatowida (Global Psychic Vision) have freaked out Egyptian antiquities curators into closing the Great Pyramid on Armistice Day.

The Polish quartz cabal had applied to the Supreme Council of Antiquities to stage a 'love-in' at the Pyramid during which 'two interpenetrated pyramid-shaped crystals' were to have been positioned internally to provide a cosmic shield against malign forces.

"I kid you not," Egyptian director of the National Hocus Pocus Patents Orifice Prof Mustapha Kamel said today, "these morons managed to trigger a huge surge in rival nutz applying to perform their own supernatural bollox at the ancient monument on 11/11/11.

"Gawd only knows what kind of 'crystals' these guys had in mind," Kamel added, "most probably the methamphetamine kind if local DEA reports are right."

Then came reports that 'Jews and Masons' were planning to hold their own counter-rituals designed to ward off 'un-Islamic' energies - which soon turned out to be the main thrust of Dar
own agitprop campaign, Professor Kamel commented.

Pandemonium soon broke out as the crystal-rattlers' PR machine went into overdrive issuing reports that '1,200 Jews were planning to attend the ceremony' to harden their intention of erecting the Star of David above the Great Pyramid to 'bolster mystical claims that it was built by ancient Israelites rather than ancient Egyptians'.

"They then threw some loopy stuff about satanic Masons into the 11/11/11 melting pot," Kamel continued, "and locals just went barmy at all the talk of P2 Lodge devil worshippers in drag desecrating King Khufu's remains inside the Burial Chamber."

A spokesperson for Dar Swiatowida, self-styled psychic guru Pani Bogumila Krasnoludek, said this afternoon that the evidence had been overwhelming against these rival factions who were a blight on humanity, the EU and the Polish Church.

"Vee just vant to raise zee ghost of Pope Karol Wojtyla," Kransoludek admitted, modestly, "he always promised to return as Salvator Mundi when the Germans crapped up the Eurozone."

Aleister Crowley would have loved it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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