We're having to whisper this story from Perth Western Australia, as none of us is safe. The city has been taken over by police and military to make sure nobody lobs a meat pie at Her Majesty who's here for the CHOGM piss-up of unknown, backward Commonwealth countries. Martial law has been declared.
The helicopters are overhead, there's warships and a sub off Fremantle,and Hornets on standby at the RAAF base. The SAS are creeping up pavements in St George's Terrace in the city and armoured cars patrolling the red light district of Nedlands. There are 2 cops for each man, woman and child in Perth. They're all armed to the teeth and wearing strange uniforms with insignia like "Colombo Death Division". They're on house roofs in the suburbs, they're manning intersections - presumably in case someone steals the traffic lights -they're in McDonalds, public toilets, knocking shops, chinese takeaways and churches.
New stop and search laws have been brought in. If you're unfortunate enough to look a bit different or make any comments about pork products you can expect a free colonic washout at the local lock-up.
Four thousand CCTV cameras have been installed across the city with infra-red imaging so nobody can even fart without being arrested. Sex is banned as is all forms of imbibing and alcoholic pursuits.
Please help us, most of are Republicans and and hate the fucking Queen. Please send food, water and porn website links so we can stay sane for CHOGM. Please host the next CHOGM so us poor fuckers in Perth don't have to live through this again. Please d ...........[***TRANSMISSION INTERECEPTED BY WESTERN AUSTRALIAN POLICE HACKERS ***]