Written by Daz McKinley
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Topics: Australia, Shark

Monday, 24 October 2011

Following the fatal attack on an American tourist by a Great White shark this week, the Western Australian government has legalized hunting and killing the type of Great Whites that pose a threat to human life.

Camomile Aborhugger, a one-legged, albino, left-handed, dwarf, blind, deaf, vegetarian, dyslexic, autistic, lesbian, leper animal psychologist explained the new policy:

"Not all Great Whites are the same. You can't stereotype sharks. Our studies have shown that some sharks prefer the taste of people. Others prefer dogs. Others like ravioli. We've all got to get closer to our Great Whites, to understand what makes them tick. They need support, counselling, and patience.

"Any Great White has the propensity to eat a man. Many choose not to for social and religious reasons. The Fisheries Department has an obligation to treat all sharks as individuals and not just kill them indiscriminately. However we also have an obligation to protect our tourism industry and eating an American is bad for WA. By going after the man-eaters we feel we are striking the right balance."

WA Fishing industry spokesman Red Neckspratt disagreed.

"This girly from the Fisheries Department has got her fuckin' knickers in a knot over these bloody sharks. They're all vicious killers, even them basking sharks. Last week one of them sucked the toes off a scuba diver, although she didn't seem to mind too much. If one of them sharks comes near me in my ocean I'm gonna blow the fucker outta the water with a stick of gelie mate. I'm the Charles fuckin' Bronson of the shark world and I won't rest until every fuckin' one of 'em is scourged from our waters. Shit yeah."

Public opinion remains divided in Western Australia over the man-eater policy. A straw poll taken in Perth this week suggests that most West Aussies prefer their sharks with vinegar and chips.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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