Written by IainB
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Sunday, 23 October 2011

image for The hunt is on for the seven billionth human
How stadia will look inside fifty years

According to the world census, the seven billionth person will be born on October thirty-first. The hunt is on for this yet-to-be-baby.

"We're hoping it won't be in some remote Amazonian village," said World Census co-ordinator, Jean Heyus. "We've got maternity wards across the world on high alert, but deep in the Amazon, they just give birth."

It is expected, based on probability, that the seventh billion person will be born in China, although the as yet unborn superstar could be born anywhere.

"We've sent out bunting and TV cameras around the globe to film the momentous moment," said Heyus. "This moment should be recorded for ever."

Not everybody is pleased by the idea that there will be seven billion people on the planet inside the next few days.

"It is bad enough that there are nearly seven billion people on the planet," said Gail Winds, who works for Natural Earth. "We already use far more resources than the Earth can sustain. We should be reducing the population not increasing it."

Winds even has a plan for reducing the population.

"Forget this extending lifespans and increasing the fertility of the infertile," she said. "Our plan is secretly irradiate sports fans at every stadium in the world. Millions of people go to stadia every week to watch soccer, athletics or baseball. We're going to start with the 2012 Olympics. We think we can get the population down to 3 billion people within a generation. Admittedly, all these people will be non-sports fans, but hey, you can't make an omlette without bankrupting Sky Sports, can you?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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