Pope Benedictine XVI was today arrested after being caught on CCTV stealing ladies undergarments from exclusive Rome department store Il Condome.
Head store detective Francino Goonisimo described today's events:
"Belissimo, arriverderci, tagliatelli, disa Pope, e keepsa comina back a here a an nickin da merchandisa. Da Popes, dey beena nickina gear for bloodya centuriesa. You beena in da Vaticana ana seena alla da gear der man? Where a dyas think dey gotta dat stuff aye? From bloody eBay? No way man, thata stuff ita been lifted from da bloody Circusa Maximus twoa thousand years ago.
"Olda Benny he a stola littla blacka dressa, a paira da stillettos anda seta da gold earrings justa threea weeksa ago. Da bloodya cheek. Nowa today he a come a back anda he a tooka off with a da blacka lace bra and da matchinga g-string. Hea musta be a goin' to da Mass thisa weekend.
"Itsa bouta time someone a put their bloodya foots downa and make a da Popes pay for theya sinsa. Ifa I ad mya way Bene he'da be a sayin' fuckin'a hail Marys ina solitary confinament for a nexta tens years, wella fucka me a dead."
This afternoon a Vatican spokesman tried to deflect criticism from the Pope, claiming Benedict just had some really bad habits.