Written by Daz McKinley
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Monday, 17 October 2011

Pope Benedictine XVI was today arrested after being caught on CCTV stealing ladies undergarments from exclusive Rome department store Il Condome.

Head store detective Francino Goonisimo described today's events:

"Belissimo, arriverderci, tagliatelli, disa Pope, e keepsa comina back a here a an nickin da merchandisa. Da Popes, dey beena nickina gear for bloodya centuriesa. You beena in da Vaticana ana seena alla da gear der man? Where a dyas think dey gotta dat stuff aye? From bloody eBay? No way man, thata stuff ita been lifted from da bloody Circusa Maximus twoa thousand years ago.

"Olda Benny he a stola littla blacka dressa, a paira da stillettos anda seta da gold earrings justa threea weeksa ago. Da bloodya cheek. Nowa today he a come a back anda he a tooka off with a da blacka lace bra and da matchinga g-string. Hea musta be a goin' to da Mass thisa weekend.

"Itsa bouta time someone a put their bloodya foots downa and make a da Popes pay for theya sinsa. Ifa I ad mya way Bene he'da be a sayin' fuckin'a hail Marys ina solitary confinament for a nexta tens years, wella fucka me a dead."

This afternoon a Vatican spokesman tried to deflect criticism from the Pope, claiming Benedict just had some really bad habits.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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