Written by Ellie James
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Monday, 3 October 2011

image for Taronga Zoo Hires World Famous Arachnid Whisperer
When spider webs unite, they can tie up an Arachnid Whisperer

Sydney, Taronga Zoo - The famous Funnel Spider, the world's most poisonous spider, has been behaving so aggressively that two regular handlers have been bitten and evacuated to receive anti-venom treatment. Zoo officials have had to call in an outside expert to assist them in calming down the large spiders.

"I am an Arachnid whisperer," said Thomas Burrough, "I use the natural instincts of the spiders to calm them and I examine their environment by becoming one with them."

"Why does he have eight legs?" asked a little boy observing Burrough on his own web in the exhibit with the Funnel spiders. To blend in he wears a full sized costume to look like the grand daddy of all Funnel Spiders. Burroughs stated that it is his job to become the alpha spider and in doing so he can calm the Funnel spiders and they will behave normally once again.

Burroughs has been in the Arachnid house now for three weeks and has determined that the Funnel spiders are depressed for some reason and that is why they have become more aggressive. He stated that it's a well-known fact that all arachnids behave the opposite of other animals when depressed.

"When humans are depressed," he said in his nasal voice from his giant web, "they don't feel like doing anything. Spiders are different. They bite more often and even produce more venom." Arachnid Monthly supports this claim as well. Additionally, the famous periodical has reported that at times spiders who build webs will sometimes want to design trap doors to catch prey, and vice versa.

Marvin Kipplebrewer, head of the reptile and arachnid exhibit at the Taronga Zoo is skeptical. He stated that Charlotte White, the young arachnid apprentice, who is originally from London, has been singing along to Mark Villarosa's Raining in London over and over again. "It's not the song, per se," stated Kipplebrewer, "It's the young dames voice. The kid can't sing. When you play the song on a CD without singing to it, the spiders react normally."

It may never really be known if it's Thomas Burrough or if it's Charlotte White's horrible singing. Burrough has cost the Zoo $500 Australian dollars per day. One thing is certain, after three weeks of strictly lip-synching and Burrough hanging on a massive web eating spaghetti taped to it, the funnel web spiders have been reconditioned and are behaving normally.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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