Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Pat Robertson, duck

Friday, 6 January 2006

image for TBN Duck tapes Pat Robertson's Mouth Shut

DUCK tape brand, predecessor to "DUCT" brand tape gets the job done and it indeed GOT the job done when TBN officials officially Duck taped Pat Robertson's mouth shut good and tight. TBN said it's on so tight that God Himself can't remove it. TBN says that Robertson has to be fed intravenously but is OK oxygen-wise because he can in-take air through his nostrils. TBN said

"We just don't want Robertson SAYING ANYTHING anymore. At least not on THIS network."

They say that Robertson will continue to host his 700 Club show, the only difference being, his MOUTH will be duck taped shut good and tight.

Robertson this year alone has threatened the president of Venezuela, insulted the Prime Minister of Israel and even indirectly implied that Jesus Christ Himself got what he deserved being nailed to the cross.

"You never know what's going to come out of that guy's mouth" one TBN executive said. "TBN has an image to maintain and Robertson's killing our ratings."

Attorneys for Pat Robertson have filed writs of "something or the other" saying that it is ILLEGAL to Duck tape someone's mouth shut. Unless they are a hostage. Or they are in the middle of some wild, kinky sexual escapade involving handcuffs, Cool Whip and dancing Leprechauns.

Henkel Consumer Adhesives, maker of DUCK brand tape says that they are proud that their tape is consistently being chosen as the tape of choice for taping mouths shut. One executive said,

"DUCK was the tape invented during World War II when the army requisitioned Johnson and Johnson to come up with a sturdy, water proof tape. Water indeed flowed off the tape, like water flowing off the back of a DUCK so the military named it DUCK. The brand which we now market."

Seldzar corporation, maker of DUCT brand tape acknowledges that Henkel's competing DUCK brand is in ways structurally superior but says DUCT will soon be getting into the mouth shutting market as well because THEIR tape comes in 17 different colors and doesn't rip your lips off when you yank the tape off.

Tuesday's TBN broadcast featured Pat Robertson coming out, making a few gestures, thumbing through a couple of pages of the Bible then showing a film about Moses or somebody.

TBN says that they may UN-duck tape Robertson's mouth if he'll promise to simply "shut the hell up".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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