Written by Daz McKinley
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Topics: Australia, UN, Refugees

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

In a last ditch effort to save her "Swap an Illegal" deal with Malaysia, Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard has appointed Chopper Reid as Australia's Ambassador to the United Nations.

This morning Chopper addressed the Security Council in a bid to get the international treaties on refugees changed so Ms Gillard's government can legislate to send Australia's asylum seekers to Malaysia for processing.

Here are the main excerpts from Chopper's address:

"G'day, how are yas, ya bunch of butt-ulcerated knuckleheads? Me name's Mark Brandon Reid, me mates call me Chopper, but yous can shut the fuck up and listen to what I gotta say."

"Her Highness, Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, Duchess of Barry South Wales, has asked me to speak to yas today about her attempts to stop all them fuckin' illegal migrants comin' into our land girt by sea to claim refugee status."

"It's this friggin' simple, see if yas can get it. Australians are sick 'n' tired of all these Illegals comin' ashore without being fuckin' invited. Then they've got the nerve to sit in our Detention Centres year in, year out, eat our fuckin' food, watchin' Neighbours for free, and gettin' their kids educated, all paid for by Aussie taxpayers"

"Then if that ain't fuckin' enough, they keep burnin' down the Detention Centres, complainin' about their conditions and havin' to wait to get their refugee applications processed. Well Julia Gillard's got the answer - send the bastards offshore to Malaysia where processin' is much quicker and fairer".

"The problem is you lot. If yous could just find it in yer hearts to cut Jules a bit of slack and loosen up them laws on refugees then we can get on with sendin''em to Malaysia by the fuckin' boatload. We know Malaysia does the odd naughty thing with refugees but it's not that bad. If it was up to me I'd treat 'em like I treat drug dealers and just fuckin' shoot the lot of 'em. But Jules said that's goin' a bit far so gettin' the treaties fixed is the next best thing. Waddyas think, aye, will yous change them laws, aye, aye, aye?"

Despite his efforts, Mr Reid was not optimistic about the outcome. Smoke was seen coming from the headphones of the Russian and Chinese Security Council delegates as Chopper was led out of the building in handcuffs by New York police officers. Ms Gillard was not available for comment this afternoon, a spokesman said she was in Canberra having her hair coloured and her nod serviced.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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