New Delhi: Denying all possible connections to SpectrumGate, the scam over allotment of 2G spectrum to telecom companies, the Hon'ble (sic) Home Minister C Pitambaram claimed that he was misunderstood on the issue. Stopping short of saying that it was a conspiracy hatched by his colleagues in the cabinet, CP (as he is often referred to contemptuously) blamed a section of the media for believing the wrong sources.
"I swear on the name of our dead Godmother Indiraji that I was misunderstood on the 2G issue," he told reporters gathered at his mini-bar in his official residence. "I do not know what 2G spectrum means. I don't even know what 1G means, let alone 3G... besides, I am a lawyer. Why should any department trust me?"
When pressed for an explanation, CP elaborated that he was talking about far more important 2Gs - the 2 Gandhis, Sonia 'she-who-must-not-be-blamed' Gandhi and Rahul/Raoul 'he-who-must-not-be-trained' Gandhi.
"Of course I was talking about Sonia G ji and Rahul G ji, the 2Gs I worship daily. In fact, I was only telling Madamji the other day that I would like to have a new picture of her, you know, the one I have is stained because of all the honey and milk I've poured over the years... Oh, yes, I was certainly talking about these 2 G's."
CP clarified that while the Prime Minister, Manwailing Singh, was aware of the context of the letter, it was being deliberately quoted out of context by his detractors, particularly a Bengali babu who was jealous of his meteoric rise and "playboyish good looks." Claiming that he was merely telling the PM that he supported the 2 G's decision to sell the spectrum of services offered by the party at whatever cost they found suitable, CP pointed out that Pramukh Chatterjee, his bete-noire from the Finance Ministry, was a known trouble-monger famous for misquoting his rivals.
"He has been opposing me for opposition's sake," said Pitambaram, "He has blamed me for more terrorist attacks than the major opposition party, and that's almost one a week! And he even blames me for inflation, just because I had screwed (sic) up the budget for the last few years... But not once has he thanked me for upgrading his security detail!"
A source within the Regress Party, the ruling coalition, wishing to be named, said, "I am Thickvijay Singh and I know everything. This is a Hindu conspiracy to discredit CP, who has been lenient towards the beloved and down-trodden minorities, just like me. I know, I know."
When contacted for a rebuttal, the Finance Minister personally appeared to rebut the allegations. However, at the time of going to press, efforts are on to locate a translator so that we may understand and confirm what was actually said. Our intrepid investigators have been unable to decipher the garbled sounds on the tape.
- Dissociated Press