Written by Vivek Sharma
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Topics: Greece, Parthenon

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

In a statement issued last night on Greek TV the Parthenon, one of the most famous buildings in the world and 3 times winner of Ancient Architectural Idol, announced it is to quit its home in Athens.

The Parthenon has stood on top of the Acropolis in Athens for 2,500 years, making its imminent relocation even more devastating for the already distraught Athenians.

Throughout its long life, the Parthenon has functioned as a Greek temple dedicated to the Goddess Athena, but has also been a treasury, a fortress, a church, a mosque and a haven for romantics and late night piss-heads. Today, it is one of the most recognizable icons and popular tourist attractions in the world.

In yesterday's statement the Parthenon said "Because of the virtual bankruptcy of the Greek state and the negligence of the authorities to maintain other monuments I have come to the conclusion that my future lies elsewhere. The authorities have failed to reunite me with the Elgin marbles in London or other parts of me in Paris and Copenhagen.

"I am also dismayed that all of our glorious Olympic arenas built for the 2000 games have been left to rot to dust. This is no way to treat those who have made Greece what it is."

The Parthenon has not yet indicated where it will go next, but it has many potential suitors. Some experts are already saying that the Parthenon is using these threats as bargaining tools so it can get a pay-rise and go for a full makeover, hair, nails, stone, marble, the whole she-bang.

The Germans who have bailed out the Greeks more times than the rescue boats did in the sinking of the Titanic are licking their lips in anticipation. Chancellor Angela Merkel has already offered to buy Corfu and Santorini from the Greeks but has been rebuffed on both occasions. But the prospect of the Parthenon on a free transfer is really exciting the German cabinet who have already bulldozed away most of east Berlin in anticipation of its arrival.

Italian prime-philanderer Silvio Berlusconi says he will welcome the Parthenon to Rome with open arms and legs. Eyeing up a hot female Serbian journalist Berlusconi said: "I've shagged every woman in Italy in every major monument - at least twice. To do so in the Parthenon would be exquisite. I see this incredible monument as my personal Boudoir and will give it pride of place next to the Colosseum."

The Parthenon immediately issued a rebuttal saying "I'm a temple dedicated to the goddess Athena, a pure virgin. There's no way I'm gonna let that slimy slap-head get his grimy hands all over my pillars."

The Americans, desperate for a piece of authentic culture, also offered to take the Parthenon. Ex president George Bush declared 'Hey we've got an Athens right here in sunny Georgia to make the Partython monument feel right at home. If it wants a bit more pizazz we can shift it to Vegas right in between The Luxor Pyramid and Caesar's palace and put on a few shows. Maybe rent it out as a deluxe suite."

The Emir of Dubai Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum has offered ten trillion dollars to take the Parthenon to the desert state and place it on a specially built Island. But so far the Parthenon has refused the offer claiming: "I can't be laid down on a dodgy foundation of shifting sands. Why do you think I survived for this long knuckle-head?".

The Greek authorities are still negotiating with the Parthenon in a last ditch attempt to persuade it to stay. Prime-minister George Papandreou said "Malaka! As if we need this hassle right in the middle of the debt crisis. We cannot let our great country become financially and culturally bankrupt. We will do what it takes to make the monument stay. But we are going to need to print some more cash. Perhaps another 500 billion euros if that's OK with everyone!"

The Parthenon is set to decide its final location, with the help of Sarah Beeny and Kirstie Allthorp in the next few days. And who knows with the right pay rise it may just even stay.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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