KRWENY, Iraq--Islamic terror organizations report that the promise of 72 virgins in heaven to every suicide bomber isn't the dangling carrot it was back on September 11, 2001.
Due to the wide availability of the Internet in the past decade, would-be terrorists have been able to research the advantages of having sex with very experienced women.
As student Mohammed al-Ghamdi, 21, declared, "Virgins are shy and don't know what they're doing. They just sit there and could start crying. I want to be promised a real horny slut."
The non-human aspects of these promised virgins can also be a turn-off. Said shopkeeper Fayez Moqed, 43, "These virgins are also supposed to be non-urinating, but what fun is that?"
"If I'm going to die for a cause," said al-Ghamdi, "you'd better believe I'd rather have a lustful naked whore waiting for me than a timid, undernourished waif who needs to be home by 11 p.m."