The infamous Muarmar, Colonel Gadaffi of Libya, continues to insist he is the "rightful leader of the country, the entire continent of Africa, and in fact the world". (Modestly, he does not lay claim to the universe. "That is the province of Allah.")
But where is the Elusive Pimpernel of the Arab world? Hiding in a hole, like his political twin sadist, Saddam Hussein? Rumours abound as to his location, and there have been reported sightings of the man in, first, a hairdresser's in the West End of London. If true, this would be some relief to the world, as President Obama himself declared.
"The man is a mess! That hairdo is an utter disaster, a catastrophe of international concern. All leaders should have neat and tidy haircuts, like me. Or my friend and ally, Dave. Milliband will never rule the UK, incidentally. Too much thick and greasy hair. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some terrorist business to sort out."
However, it appears that the hairdresser who ministered to the rogue client was threatened with having his throat cut and his entrails torn from his body should he sprag on the Colonel before he had slipped away on Ryan Air to his next destination.
This turned out to be a large department store in Rome, where Mad Dog Muarmar amused himself for several hours in the toy department, playing with tanks and making similar gruesome threats to the initially petrified sales assistants.
"In the end," said store manager Nicola Grassi, "we just-a let him get on with it. He was like a big kid - really did melta da heart, ya know? We last saw him sitting on the floor waving a wooden sword round his head and muttering to himself. Quite-a sweet, yes?"
Camp it Up
Another sighting places the Colonel, presumably heading for home, at a British-run camping exhibition in Cyprus.
"He seemed very interested in our luxury size tents," said a spokesman for Everyone Should Camp(a subsidiary to Camp International). "He made some quite useful suggestions about additions and little extras, like gold-plated bathtubs in a zip-on annexe and a special onyx and platinum sheesha rack. We didn't realise who we were dealing with until he'd gone, though. Pity. I'd have liked his autograph."
It seems, then, that Gadaffi is indeed having a laugh-y at everyone's expense. With his suave new hairdo (we are told he went blond), his toy sword and a contract for Special Adviser to Camp International Ltd., he's onto a winner. The world cannot afford to lose such a valuable asset to the world wide passion for sleeping under the stars and eating rock hard burnt sausages.
When and as the Colonel is found, we can look forward to years, decades, generations of Happy Campers! Bring it on, Muarmar! We salute you! And as the great Dame Maggie said of someone else, "Here is a man with whom I could do business."