Washington, DC - Stung by what might be the lowest job approval rating in the history of work, leading politicians from both political parties have put their differences aside to team up and go after the American public.
"The war between Democrats and Republicans is over," declared House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). "We've been at each other's throats for so long, we forgot who the real enemy is - the voters. Well, we're about to make them regret they've ever seen a ballot box."
As the summer wound down, Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) quietly pushed through a legislative package called "Take That, America." In a political first, it was unanimously approved by both houses of Congress.
"So the voters thought Democrats and Republicans couldn't work together," Reid said. "This will show them cooperation. This will show them job approval. Mr. and Mrs. Citizen, welcome to bipartisan hell."
The Take That America Act contains a unique mix of "solutions" to some major political and economic problems that have been dogging the nation for years. For instance, the law will shut down The United States Postal Service, which is essentially bankrupt, to rescue Social Security.
"You can't mail out Social Security checks if there's no mailman to deliver them," Boehner said. "So the new law mandates that seniors personally come to Washington to collect their checks each month. They had better start charging up their electric wheelchairs right now."
"Sure they can try direct deposit, if they can find solvent bank. But seriously, I don't expect many takers," the House Speaker said. "Which means that Social Security will have more dollars than it never needs."
The new law also contains a major jobs creation component, centering on rebuilding highways and bridges. "You want jobs, America? You've got them," Harry Reid declared. "Just don't expect to get to work on time ever again, because we're going to have every major artery in America shut down for reconstruction indefinitely."
The nation could be in for additional unpleasant surprises as well, since much of the new legislation is composed of classified provisions dealing with the Department Of Defense, the Justice Department and the Secret Service. "Want to know what those new laws are, America?" Harry Reid said. "Ask the lobbyists. They wrote them."
Voter reaction to the congressional initiative was, as usual, unfocused, confused and poorly expressed by the media. "Voters may come and go. And elections may come and go. But the Republicans and Democrats are here to stay," Boehner said. "Party on, America!"