Amid reports that American spy networks have intercepted communications from Al Qaeda operative Lindsay Lohan indicating plans for a terrorist strike in New York or maybe Hoboken, both cities have heightened their security and even pulled out the famous "yellow tape" to close off important civic areas. The actress was quick to point out, however, that her sister has not had plastic surgery as reported recently.
"As if!" expostulated the actress [sic].
The communication came from a source who has provided accurate information in the past, Anonymous aka The Twitter Kiddies, reported Foxy News while citing a senior administration official, Kate Winslet, which prompted intelligence[sic] officials to sift through communications from other Al Qaeda cells and arrest all striking NYC poets, an action lauded by both literary critics and unpublished teen poets.
While no other corroborating evidence of any attack has been uncovered, the information has been officially verified and is now being circulated by Homeland Security's Volksaufklärung und Propaganda on the Wilhelmstrasse where they have been singing "Homeland Uber Alles" and the Horst Wessel Song (Der Horst-Wessel-Lied) for the last several weeks in anticipation of the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 NYC attacks and enlarging quarters at Guantanamo Bay's five-star detention camp.
Foxy also cited intelligence[sic] officials as saying they have picked up "chatter," or widely divergent communications, from extremist haiku writers that suggest the newly invented Al Qaeda head, Joseph P. Goebbels, is in some way involved in the current plot to deprive New Yorkers of fine poetry, limericks and other doggerel.
"Al Qaeda again is seeking to harm Americans and in particular to target New York's fashionable poetry salons," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in New York Friday. "We are taking this threat seriously. Federal, state and local authorities are taking all steps to address it and we should be able to provide state authorized poetry within the week. Meanwhile, incarcerated poets, who wanted a one cent per word rise in pay, will be grilled and fileted in our Cuban facilities for terrorists, whether striking or ugly."
Meanwhile, heightened security was visible Friday in New York as intelligence[sic] officials worked to pin down information about the potential threat to poetry and Life As We Know It. Federal and local law enforcement fanned out across both cities searching out unpublished and otherwise irritable poets who might pose threats.