Washington, DC-- The nation is anxiously awaiting the results of President Bush's recently revealed, surgery.
Dr. Sturgeon, who was part of the surgical team, told the White House press corps, " Because of the nature of doctor, patient confidentiality and the growing terrorist threat, we are unwilling to divulge the exact nature of the medical procedure that the President has undergone. But, to quell the spurious rumors that have been swirling around the capital this last week, we wish to assure the public that in no way did the recently performed procedures have anything to do with the President's alleged injuries sustained at the White House Christmas party while bobbing for chicken steak in the deep fryer, nor while hot knifing Afghani contraband in the offal office with Dick Cheney."
Dr. Justin Frank, eminent Washington psychiatrist and author of "Bush on the Couch", was more candid in his comments about the possible nature of the President's medical condition. Dr. Frank suggested the President may have undergone treatment for a rare psychosomatic illness.
"Word has it down at the clubhouse that the President may have undergone treatment to combat the recurring symptoms of "Pinocchiolia" that have dogged him since childhood."
He went on to explain, "Pinocchiolia is an extremely rare condition that causes its suffers to experience psychosomatic distortions of their body image. In some patients it may manifest itself as a perceived enlarging or shrinking of a body part. In others it may cause patients to believe they are sprouting tufts of unwanted hair or bits of their bodies are missing.
Dr. Frank, further elaborated, "Quite often, these episodes are preceded by periods of great stress combined with extreme feelings of guilt. There is anecdotal evidence that the President may have suffered his first episode of this debilitating illness shortly after reaching puberty. Several of the adolescent Bush's school chums, have revealed that the young Bush could often be found compulsively lathering and shaving the palms of his hands. They say this behavior started just shortly after Bush Jr. returned back to school from a holiday weekend, featuring the "birds and bees" speech from his mom.
Dr. Frank, continued to speculate, "I believe that the recent revelations that the President may have been less than candid about the intelligence leading up to the Iraq war and the extent of his administration's domestic spying on U.S. citizens, may have caused a relapse. That combined with the rumored replacement of all mirrors in the White House with mirrors that make objects appear smaller, leads me to believe that the President may well believe his nose is getting longer. There is a precedence for this theory, as the President suffered a similar but opposite delusion regarding another body part, while in college".
Prior to publication of this story, it was learned that while performing what was originally intended to be primarily a placebo procedure, the surgeons involved decided to actually open the President's skull to see what, if anything, was in there. Apparently the procedure was cut short when members of the surgical team reported smelling what was described as a rather noxious barn yard smell.