DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA - Bernie Madoff has taken umbrage to Rick Perry's comments that Social Security is a "Ponzi scheme".
"As the architect of the largest Ponzi scheme in the world I find it extremely offensive that Perry could compare my investment practices to the loathsome, larcenous practices of the federal government," claims Madoff.
In the Madoff scheme, the money deposited by investors was in fact placed in the Chase Manhattan bank. Madoff would issue statements to investors falsely claiming that they had made investment profits, and would pay investors those fictitious profits when they sought to withdraw their funds. Madoff himself was paid by commissions.
"When push comes to shove, the money spent most of its time just sitting in the bank. The lion's share of it was disbursed back to investors as 'profits'. I did not actually spend it", Madoff claims. "Who would actually be able to spend that much without setting off alarm bells all over the planet?"
Asked about the difference between his scheme and the government's treatment of Social Security Madoff became indignant. "They just took the money and used it, flat out. There is no Ponzi in that - it's just brazen theft. Now when the government is called to pay, they just print money like a bunch of thugs running a counterfeiting ring. You want to compare me to that? Talk about kicking a man when he's down!"
Madoff believes that he is owed an apology both from Perry and from the federal government.
"I cannot see how I get incarcerated for 150 years when the federal government is running this kind of a loathsome scheme. And Perry's solution just proves that he is a part of the problem. 'It's a Ponzi scheme', he says, 'so let's not take any more investments - we'll just keep running the printing presses to pay off everyone who is already invested.'"
Asked how he would handle social security if he was put in charge of the situation, Madoff did not hesitate.
"With the government printing presses running around the clock? That's easy - I would pay for social security by shorting the dollar. And while I was at it I would probably also offer presidential pardons to Bernie Madoff and the late Charles Ponzi."