A Spoof Writer for this site, who can not be named as he is an American Citizen, survived a frightening encounter with a rampaging herd of Moose while on assignment for National Geographic in Alaska and lived to tell about it!
According to the writer, Alaska presented an awesome challenge; how to pack one thousand pounds of supplies on a cruise ship in order to survive 3 weeks in the Alaskan Territory and the Yukon as mandated by Canadian Authorities after seeing scores of tourists frozen to death on the barren Tundra, or eaten by any number of wild critters as they searched for the perfect picture of Dall Sheep at 20,232 feet at the peak of majestic Mt. McKinley!
According to Explorer adventurers Erskin Quint and Dr. Victor Nicholas, experienced Trekkers to be sure, one needed a herd of Inuits to carry the bags and act as guides during the deadly trek if one was to survive the hardships.
"Inuit, innit?" the writer reportedly queried, "why would one want an Inuit...you could chew the fat with anyone in this day and age what with online services such as Twatter and FarhrtBook!"
Never the less, an Inuit it is....or a herd...or pod of 'em...whatever...no sense carrying a ton of luggage by oneself!
Unfortunately, during the 10 day cruise, no Inuits were available to protect the scribe as he experienced his first on board all you can eat because you paid for it buffet experience!
"It was like the Calgary Stampede, or the running of the Bulls in Pamplona, it was," said the
still shaken writer after his attempt to enjoy a simple lunch.
"There were moose running everywhere, the females were the worst, more deadly than a grizzly I've been told, you'd think they were giving away the food for free!"
"They were in those little battery operated carts with the oversized seat and lithium batteries made in China...best get out of their way....no stopping them big 'uns as they barged in front of the line to get their vittles, saliva dripping down their chin and eyes as big as a sockeye salmon...it was a right feeding frenzy...chum on the water, it was, and the
sharks were ready to feed!"
"Had my eye on the last piece of NY Cheese Cake, the one with the big strawberry on top when a big fat arm reached OVER my shoulder and plucked it up with her fat little fingers just as I was about to put it on my plate! Drool all over my shoulder, she did, grunting all the while, snuffling and snortling about...she was a big 'un I'll say that, and probably in heat!"
Adding to the confusion was a horde of Japanese traveling in a group, at least 50 by a fast count, although it was hard to tell they moved so fast getting in your way, barging into line, and jumping ahead to the elevator.
"Quirky little buggers," said the Writer, "didn't eat much, but sure made sure they got in front of you just as you were about to take a once in a life time picture, and there was never any rice left by the time you got to the Asian food section...nary a grain...thorough little Bastards, I'll say that!"
As for the trek to Mt. McKinley, well, the reporter was so black and blue after his fine dining experiences he was too banged up to go, and had to be content to viewing the pinnacle from the deck of a luxurious wilderness retreat on the first clear day in six years.
"Felt bad for the Inuits," said the scribe, " they had come 600 miles by dog sled to meet me. Had to pay them off, off course. They wanted an arm and a leg, thought I was a famous cook from a pirate ship. Finally settled for a bit of whale blubber, 3 Orvis polo shirts, a pair of Merrill hiking shoes and my favorite 9 weight fly rod and a collection of hand tied flies made famous by Bargis TieAll, the man who holds the record for the world's biggest surface popper....all things considered I got off cheap!"
"As for Alaska, well, I'll be back someday, maybe to do an article about Micro Breweries, seems safer, and a lot more relaxing!"