New York City - The nation is sleeping through the wrong American Dream, and needs only to wake up to avoid the nightmarish problems it is facing.
"If you don't think you're dreaming, examine the evidence that proves otherwise," said Kilgore Trout, chief researcher of the American Dream Review Panel. "For Instance, do you seriously believe that in less than a decade America has gone from being the most powerful nation on earth to behaving like your deadbeat Uncle Charlie?"
Trout also pointed to some leading personalities in the news that Americans can use as dream/reality checks. "Charlie Sheen, Michele Bachmann, Dick Cheney, the list is endless. Characters like these don't exist in real life," he said. "They are the inhabitants of nightmares and infomercials."
The good news is that the American Dream is alive and well, and living on the other side of the bed.
"For instance, there is no energy crisis in the real American Dream," Trout continued. "It was all worked out in the 60s, when they discovered the key to nuclear fusion on the back of a packet of Fizzies."
With fusion power replacing fossil fuels, global political tensions were diffused, climate change became benign, and the world economy boomed, according to the panel's report.
The report's advice: "Wake up and remove yourself from the American nightmare as soon as possible. This can be most effectively accomplished by generating loud annoying sounds that will rouse you from your slumber. Lady Gaga's latest CD is highly recommended for this purpose."
Switching into the correct American Dream is a bit more difficult, according to the report. "It's a little like changing flights at O'Hare," Trout said. "It's very tricky, but if you land right and the gates are aligned in your favor, it can be done."
Copies of the report, titled "You Must Be Dreaming," are not available on your current level of reality. Send a self-addressed, stamped #10 envelope to your e-mail address and see what happens.