New York -- The head of one of the world's top career placement firms has declared that if America is going to solve its unemployment crisis, the nation needs to invent new professions.
Samuel P. Vickers, CEO of Placement Professionals, Inc., told a crowded press conference today that unemployment is high because most of the existing jobs are already filled. "And all those factory jobs that we shipped overseas are gone forever."
"The only solution is to dream up completely new professions," he said. "That opens brand-new avenues of opportunity for people looking for work."
Vickers' new book, "Invent Your Job. Invent Yourself," contains literally dozens of examples and possibilities. Each new job is developed by identifying a problem, then building a solution in the form of a career.
"For instance, the Catholic Church is suffering from a severe shortage of priests," Vickers said. "What if we created a service that outsourced nondenominational clergy? You don't have to be a believer to be a good priest or minister. You just have to know how to follow a prayer book and reference the Bible. Miracles are optional."
The professional reward is a new black Buick every three years and an everlasting career, as long as you can keep your hands off the altar boys, according to Vickers.
"Plus you have people bowing to you, genuflecting and asking you for advice. Make them do three Our Fathers and four Hail Marys, and they will be indebted to you for life. That's what I call a cushy job."
The legalization of medical marijuana by a growing number of states could also be the source of a new profession. "I call it the marijuana majordomo," Vickers said.
"The job involves doing all the paperwork and handling all the hassles of getting a person certified for medical marijuana." And once that's done, the marijuana majordomo acts as a purveyor of the medicinal material, suggesting blends, refining smoking techniques and providing advice on pot paraphernalia."
Major changes in the US space program have opened up an alternative way of getting high and getting paid - cosmic travel agent.
"The end of the shuttle program means American astronauts need to book rides on Soviet capsules to get to the space station," Vickers observed. "At $50 million a seat, someone is going to make a really nice commission on these flights, and it might as well be you."