Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Bill Gates, Security

Tuesday, 27 December 2005

image for Bill and Melinda Gate's 33 ft 'Guard Python' swallows intruder Alive

Bill Gates told reporters, "By the time I got downstairs Slither had a bulge in her belly and a SMILE on her face. I'm sorry about the intruder, I don't know how he got in. I'll have to review video from our orbiting security satellite to see how he made it past the moat."

'Guard Pythons'. All the latest rage among the rich and famous. "Guard dogs are OK" Tom Cruise pointed out but put up a 'Warning, this property guarded by 33 foot Pythons' and you feel pretty darned secure sleeping at night. Kelly and I've not heard a peep from unwanted visitors since our python Matilda chased that Jehovah's witness halfway down Wilshire."

ExtreMe SeCurity Inc, seller of the deadly African pythons said they not only carried pythons but Bengal tigers, 850 lb Grizzlies, 20 foot Louisiana alligators and more. Once spokesman said,

"Let one of THOSE puppies guard your property and it won't take too many break-ins before .. folks just stop breaking in. Dropping by even. Once word of mouth spreads."

Melinda Gates spoke with reporters after their security threat was .. "neutralized" saying,

"At first I was afraid of Slither, that's what I named her. Over time though she simply became a part of the family. A LONG slithering 750 lb part of the family. We even let our kids ride her around our indoor Rodeo."

Last year Melinda and I gave over 48 billion dollars to charity. When reporters pointed out that came out to roughly 0.00005 of his total income Gates replied,

"I know but 48 billion is 48 billion. This year we hope to donate even more, maybe even make the cover of that new Bible translation that's coming out."

The Gates home "intruder", unable to be identified for obvious reasons has, at the time of this report, "almost been digested" by the Gate's python Slither. Police hope, however to be able to acquire a DNA sample of the intruder on the offshoot that Slither might "barf".

Jessica Simpson, avid swimmer and owner of TWO Olympic sized pools denies rumors that she was seen browsing for 5 thousand lb Great White sharks at ExtreMe SeCurity Inc.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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