Written by Nash D. Plott

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Saturday, 3 September 2011

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Bank of America has recently experienced several acts of destruction related to badgers, according to Executive Vice President Robert Pethingham Jr. The damage followed the exact same pattern in all cases - photographs of Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geitner all had their faces gnawed off.

"Many of our banks displayed photographs of Geitner," explained Pethingham. "We had incidents in several of the branches where we would open the bank in the morning and find Geitner's face gnawed off. Upon investigation we found that the incidents were all related to badgers. There was a system of badger tunnels beneath our banks, and for some reason they detest Geitner".

Animal experts cannot explain the aversion to Geitner. The phenomenon could be related to the fact that Geitner looks somewhat like a rabbit, the badger's natural prey. However, when given a choice between photographs of rabbits and photographs of Geitner the creatures would cause relatively little damage to the rabbits while always gnawing Geitner's face off. Initial tests with photographs of other famous individuals failed to produce a similar response, although the tests were prematurely aborted by the SPCA when bank officials proposed presenting the badger with a photographs of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright.

Bank officials are attempting to harness their misfortune and turn it to their advantage. "We all know how ill tempered and tenacious badgers can be", explains Pethingham. "If we place a photograph of Geitner near a badger hole the creature appears almost instantly to gnaw Geitner's face off. This provides the opportunity to somehow use the badger as a means rapidly transfer cash reserves from bank to bank, provided that a suitable courier pouch could be designed and a method developed to physically attach it to the badger."

A courier pouch has been developed but labor resistance has delayed attempts to physically attach the case to a badger.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner was informed of the unusual occurrences, which he found amusing and intriguing. Geitner made a personal visit to one of the affected branches to examine the scene, and is expected to make a full recovery. Bank of America has offered to replace the necktie and the glasses.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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