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Friday, 2 September 2011

image for Florida schools begin to enforce new statewide ban on saggy pants and other revealing attire

With the start of the new academic year, schools throughout the US state of Florida are beginning to enforce a new law that bans students from wearing revealing attire. The School Teachers and Friends' Union (STFU) have called for such a ban to go nationwide since the Lincoln High Pants Pulling-Down Massacre of 2005.

The ban prohibits students from wearing "saggy pants, dresses above the knee, shirts above the skirt line, socks below the pant line, shorts above the knee line, bandannas, caps, flags other than American ones, chastity belts, thongs, g-strings, nipple chains, testicle rings, meat-based dresses, gang colours, wristbands, hairbands, heavymetalbands, wedding rings, contraception and hats that look like things".

The head of the Florida branch of STFU and Principal of the "Secular School For Naughty, Naughty Boys", Father Horatio N. Killinginstinct explains "this ban is not just for aesthetics. In a few years, these students will have to enter the world of work. Would you employ someone who wears saggy pants, exposing their "Insert Here" emblazoned underwear? I think not."

"These changes will promote better understanding between communities. A lot of the attire of the young today comes from backgrounds that we, as Americans, should work to extinguish. These "African-American" kids with the "hip-rap" and their "pooty-tang" should not be allowed to dilute the educational purity that keeps this country strong. It helps both us, and the students in the long run."

The Democratic State Senator Garry Dissiplin, an African-American, and the man responsible for getting this law passed explained further. "America has the highest teenage birth rates in the world. Something needs to be done about it. We can start in our schools, and the easiest way to make students stop impregnating one another is to make them as unattractive and identical as possible. Father Killinginstinct was instrumental in the passing of this law, showing evidence of how his students would often take his mind off of the subject in hand by being too sexy."

"Father Killinginstinct also made sure this law could be efficiently enforced by giving teachers the powers to force students to show their underwear and genitals to make sure they are in accordance with this new law. We are only too happy to comply."

Senator Dissiplin continues on to explain that this new law is part of a wider movement for reform and equality in US schools nationwide. "The goal of our education system, and all education systems, is to make our students into gender-neutral, race-neutral, perfect English speaking hollow shells to be filled with whatever their duties are, as assigned to them by their appointed employer. The plans have already been drawn up for how this can be accomplished. Students will mandatorily have their skin dyed green, the most race-neutral color. Prosthetics will be fitted to the the student's bodies and faces, creating confusion over which gender they are. Their hair will be cut to shoulder length, and they will all wear completely black uniforms with tracking devices and small surveillance cameras in them so parents and teachers can monitor them at every moment of their lives. Our students will be among the brightest and most beautiful in all the land."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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