Written by Nash D. Plott
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Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Michele Bachmann has done it again. Hot on the heels of her claim that hurricane Irene was God's message to America, the controversial congresswoman has received a second revelation that the recent eruptions of Mt. Etna in Italy are a sign of God's wrath upon the Italian people, specifically for their toleration of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

Berlusconi has been implicated in a number of criminal allegations including embezzlement, tax evasion, drug trafficking, money laundering, bribing public officials, and most recently soliciting an underage prostitute, yet this does not seem to particularly distress the Italian public, who are just happy that they have Berlusconi instead of Domenic Strauss-Kahn. It appears that God may be less impressed.

In her latest message, Bachmann reveals that the eruptions on Mt. Etna are a message to the Italian people. "You have the meltdown of the Eurozone, you have the bank crisis, and now you have Etna going off like popcorn. Come on, people, what does God have to do to get your attention?"

Asked exactly what the Italian public should do, Bachmann was quick to respond. "It is like in the days of the Old Testament. God would get angry, and the Israelites would offer a sacrifice. They would throw a virgin into the volcano and God would be satisfied". When questioned on the technicality that there were actually no Israelite sacrifices of virgins into volcanos and that this was a much older pagan practice from an entirely different continent, Bachmann appeared unruffled. "We all know that Israel had sacrifices, and the only reason that they did not use volcanos is that they did not have any. Italy has a volcano, and the Italian people need to sacrifice Berlusconi in it". When questioned about the relevance of Berlusconi not being a virgin in any sense of the word, Bachmann explained, "You are missing the idea. Just throw a virgin into the volcano and Berlusconi will reflexively jump after her".

There is no word as of yet whether Italy plans to heed the warning. Alternative plans are being scoped to attempt to halt the Mt. Etna eruption. Officials have contacted the creators of the British Petroleum "Operation Top Hat" scheme used during the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, as well as scoping the possibility of offering the volcano an acceptable substitute to Berlusconi and a virgin, such as Heather Mills and a nun.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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