Written by Nash D. Plott
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Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Fans of the 2008 World Cup will remember the stunning track record of Paul the Octopus, who predicted 8/8 World Cup final results by selecting mussels out of one of two boxes. Shortly after his predictive victory Paul was declared dead and his remains quickly cremated; however, Paul's story continues. Paul the Octopus is still alive, and living at a government facility Washington.

In the face of the global meltdown of the financial markets in 2008 the impressive track record of Paul the Octopus was noticed by the Obama administration, which quickly realized that Paul could be the only thing standing between us and global financial collapse. In a secret agreement with the German government Paul was spirited off to the United States and re-housed in a (literal) government think tank, where he has been dictating economic policy since 2010.

"It is uncanny", states Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the United States Federal Reserve. "Paul's decisions are almost identical to those of Alan Greenspan (former chairman, 1987-2006). In fact, the octopus even looks, moves, and smells like Greenspan - they could be twins".

Paul has made some impressive financial calls since he moved to Washington including shorting Greek government bonds, purchasing gold futures, maintaining prime interest rates at record lows, and predicting the office pool several times.

During the recent US budgetary crisis Paul was called in to help resolve the stalemate. When presented with the Democratic plan versus the Republican "cut, cap and balance" he ate both oysters, signifying that he saw some merit in both plans; however, when presented with the Tea Party economic platform he energetically attempted to strangle himself. Michele Bachmann(R) visited Paul to try to explain the platform and win him over, but he inked his tank, started to thrash madly, and needed to be pacified for several hours with offerings of jumbo shrimp.

Paul's future with the US Dept. of the Treasury appears to be secure. He is currently working on the U.S. unemployment crisis but has only limited time available to him, since the 2012 World Cup will soon be upon us. It appears that this time he favors the Russians.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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