Written by Lyndon
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Friday, 26 August 2011

image for Board votes 9-0 not to add f**king Chinese to Academy's foreign language offerings

HARFOLD, Vermont--By a unanimous vote of 9-0, Harfold Academy's school board decided not to add Chinese to the Academy's offerings of French and Spanish, issuing a statement that, "The fucking Chinese killed this town."

Virtually all topics discussed at school board meetings are met with a great deal of debate, but this was not the case this time. That's not to say that there weren't plenty of examples of heated discussion.

Donald Mathers, former plant manager at now defunct Harfold Shoe and Boot, said, "We shut down our factories because of cheap-ass Chinese products streaming into this country like flood water, and we're supposed to start speaking like them. That's horseshit!"

"I don't know," said Mike Speier, former plant manager of the recently closed Harfold Shirts and Ties. "They may be able to make a dress shirt at a cost of $1.80. But I'd like to see a billion of them speak out against their government, so they get thrown into the slammer."

Gloria Price, former director of marketing at the electronics firm Harfold Hard and Soft, which two weeks ago declared Chapter 11, caught everyone's attention when she stood up and cried, "The fucking Chinese killed this town 'cause we let their shit into this country. Let's do the math: we pay our guys a minimum of $7.25 and in Beijing it's $1.10 to do the same job. And we wonder why our shop windows are bare? Like, duh!"

Only two other times in the school's 138 year-old history has Harfold Academy's school board voted unanimously on an issue. In 1939, the board voted 9-0 to strike German from the school's foreign language department citing, "The fucking Nazi pigs can kiss our collective ass and their language good-bye." The other time was in 2004 when adding Arabic was voted down by all nine members who clearly defined their reasoning: "Towelheaded kamikazis. Every last one of them. No good ones, just suicidal bombing motherfuckers."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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