Washington, D.C. - Early Tuesday afternoon, news broadcasts across the country reported a 5.8 magnitude earthquake orginating in Virgina and felt as far north as Canada. Dozens of scientists from the Army Corp of Engineers responded to alleged epicenter to investigate, but came up empty. Further investigation has revealed the earthquake was a cover up.
In a twisted story of political corruption, it has been learned the entire earthquake story was fabricated to conceal the real truth. Warning - the informaton below is quite scary.
The national debt, as many of you now know, hovers around $14,000,000,000,000 and is climbing daily. What you don't know is that the debt is actually a tangible object in Washington, D.C. and highly protected by armed guards. The debt is stored in a room with 18" thick steel and concrete walls, right next to the US Constitution and Barack Obama's real birth certificate.
A large collection of multi-colored jelly beans are suspended in a plexiglass fishbowl four feet off the floor. The exact composition of the jelly beans is unknown, but what has been confirmed is each new member of congress must try to guess the exact number of jelly beans before being sworn into office. If the member guesses correctly, he or she can introduce a bill in Congress ending the spending. To date, not a single person in the history of the United States has guessed correctly.
The "earthquake" happened Tuesday afternoon when Michelle Obama entered the safe room without permission and tried to sneak a few of the jelly beans for herself. In light of her "Get Up and Move" campaign, Mrs. Obama has instituted a strict "no jelly bean" policy in the White House; however, the temptation to sneak a few for herself was too much to resist. As she was climbing into the fishbowl, the supports exceeded their weight limits and it came crashing to the floor. Luckily, the plexiglass container did not shatter and none of the jelly beans were lost.
The President this evening confirmed the reports and said Michelle was "only doing her part to reduce the national debt." Members of Congress are currently trying to decide if the jelly beans should be replaced with marbles.
Michelle Obama will face no criminal charges.