Written by Jason Safoutin
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Topics: New York, Strike

Wednesday, 21 December 2005

image for New Yorkers, Elephant Forced To Walk.
Elephants forced to walk in NYC.

New York City - NYC transit workers went on strike early this week forcing millions of people to walk.

For the first time in nearly 25 years New Yorkers are now walking. Scientists say that tens of thousands of pounds of fat will be lost as a result of the strike.

Many people are not ready for the weightloss or the need to walk. "I cannot get to Mcdonald's quick enough. I miss breakfast now," one woman said.

Taxi drivers are reporting record sales and record confusion as many people end up lost due to the lack of language skills. "We make the bigger moneys," one cab driver was quoted.

Coffee sales were up today as well as more people seem to need more energy to work of those calories. Starbucks reported lines out their doors in downtown Manhatton.

Retailers are concerned that they will lose millions of dollars in Christmas present sales due to the strike. Owner and operator of Junk Buckets says, "How am I supposed to be able to rip people off this Christmas?"

Meanwhile hotdog vendors are reporting a record loss as more people find less time to eat. "It's outrageous! My weeners are getting cold," reported one vendor.

Transit workers have not been negotiating, instead they have been eating. "This was the plan...we eat they walk," a bus driver said.

Scientists are unsure how the health of the people will play out. "This significant change in exercise rutine could cause people to eat more and walk less when they are indeed not moving around", one scientist said.

In a nutshell, New Yorkers are upset at walking. "Its a conspiracy. Walking can't possibly be healthy for you," one woman said as she puffed away on a cigarette.

Not only humans are affected by the strike, an elephant is forced to also walk the streets. "I normally would call a flatbed to pick me up, but with all the traffic today I didn't know when it would get here. So I just decided to walk," said the elephant.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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