Written by JD Patton
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Topics: Police, Washington

Tuesday, 20 December 2005

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Police were called to a Bigmart store in Vancouver, Washington as the result of a physical disturbance. Officers found one of the store's elderly greeters, who wished to remain anonymous, rubbing Ben Gay into his shoulder and weeping softly. The elderly gentleman said he had been beaten up by a madman in cameo who wanted to purchase flags and demanded that he be greeted with "Merry Christmas." Police then arrested Fentmore Fishbinder in the discount flag aisle and arrested him on assault charges.

Fishbinder seemed disoriented and could not understand what the problem was but made the following statement:

I am fed up with this war on Christmas and finally decided to take a lesson from Bill O'Reilly and directly confront the soldiers of secular humanism. So, last week when I walked into a local Bigmart store, intending to stock up on low-cost, Chinese made American flags, and a septuagenarian in a vest greeted me with, "Happy Holidays," I didn't let it pass with just my usual scowl. Instead, I slammed the old blasphemer face first against the wall and locked his right arm in a chicken wing.

"Listen," I said, "If you don't want this arm handed back to you in a Bigmart basket, you're going to wish me ‘Merry Christmas' in the spirit of Christian fellowship and goodwill real Americans expect."

"But, the manager says to greet people that way," he whimpered.

"Then your manager hasn't been watching enough Fox news." I cranked another inch on the shoulder and was rewarded with what would have been a scream if the old man had more breath. "I suppose you think this is torture. I got news for you-not according to our vice-president.

"All right," he managed, "Merry Christmas."

"And, what kind of a tree do you have at home?" I asked.

"I can't afford a tree. I can't even afford all the prescriptions I need."

"Well buddy, you better trade in some of those drugs you claim to need and buy a-what kind of tree?" I added a little twist to the arm.

"Christmas tree, Christmas tree." I let him go and handed him his dentures.

"Was that so tough? Have a Merry Christmas-the way God and Bill O'Reilly intended."

Fentmore is currently awaiting trial in the Clark County Jail.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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