Written by Michael Balton
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Thursday, 18 August 2011

image for Elvis Presley offers Lady Gaga career advice

Memphis, Tennessee -- The King of Rock 'n Roll paid a visit to Graceland on the 34th anniversary of his death, bringing with him some advice for America's current top pop star, Lady Gaga.

"I'm making more in a day as a ghost than most performers earn in a lifetime," Elvis told a wide-eyed group of visitors to Graceland who were taking the 3:15 tour. "So I know a thing or two about pleasing the crowd and keeping every body happy over the long haul."

Presley began with what he called his most important recommendation, advising Lady Gaga to stay true to her musical roots.

"In her case, that means singing, dancing, and even dressing like Madonna," Presley said.

"My mama used to tell me that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery," Elvis continued. "And as all those Elvis impersonators out there have shown, there can be big bucks in in it as well."

The King of Rock proposed to the Queen of Schlock that she more carefully study videotapes of Madonna concerts and television appearances.

"Gaga goes off the rails when she tries to channel her inner originality," Presley said. "My tip here is: don't try to change the channel, honey, because that station is off the air."

Asked his opinion of Lady Gaga's singing ability, Elvis replied: "It's nothing that cranking up the Autotune dial a few more notches wouldn't fix. In my day, we didn't have Autotune. We had talent."

Elvis did praise Lady Gaga's skills as a "note bandit," capable of appropriating the right tune at the right time. "She knows a good song when she steals one."

Before disappearing into the ether, Elvis provided his view on Lady Gaga's publicity stunts. "That meat dress got her some attention. Who doesn't like a rare skirt steak? But what is she going to do for an encore? I suggest a peanut butter and banana sandwich dress. Gaga can play the part of the white bread."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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