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Thursday, 18 August 2011

His movies have made billions of dollars and he is the affinity of lovelorn black women everywhere. At the same time, many black men have criticized his movies as vehicles that make them look buffoonish, brutal and ignorant. That latter opinion has become far more credible now that it has become public that "Tyler Perry" doesn't exist.

In a six-month long investigation, it has been revealed that Tyler Perry is not really a black man, but actually Glenn Beck in a blackface get up so impressive, George Lucas has hired him as a consultant.

Beck admitted Thursday on his radio program that he was indeed the polarizing filmmaker. "Pardon the pun, but the jig is up. I am the really a skinny white male, quite handsome I might add, who dons a black get up to pass myself of as negro with street cred. I got the idea when one day I was t home watching AMC and the movie Black Like Me was showing. I made some connections with some of Hollywood's best make-up men, bought their silence and then went to work."

Beck, basking in the glow of his long-running ruse boasted, "It was simple. After I would shake the Perry persona, I put on my real face and a fat suit to do my radio show. It was like the Superman/Clark Kent thing. I thought it was right before everyone's eyes, yet no one made the connection that Perry and I were the same person."

"Gee whillikers, I am absolutely flabbergasted that no one figured this out before now. I mean, what black man with even an ounce of dignity would make movies where black women are constantly misused by black men who are either on the downlow, vicious or unreliable, and then claim they're just 'keeping it real?'" Beck said with a chuckle. "Even my-" he used his fingers to indicate quote marks, "'best friend' Oprah didn't know, and she's supposed to be one of the smart ones."

Most blacks were surprised by this revelation, but one writer for a popular black magazine (who wished to remain anonymous), wasn't. "I knew it! Only a man with a deep, pro-white mentality and a burning hatred for black men could possibly write those screenplays," he said. "I mean, he has these men using these women, treating them like dogs, and then when the black woman comes back to them, such weakness is passed off as the sista being strong. Second, I've been on this earth more than fifty years, and I have never met a black man like Leroy Brown or Madea."

Beck revealed that he came up with the plan fifteen years ago, including taking the name of Tyler Perry from a tombstone in a New Orleans cemetery. "I took some film classes under an alias," he crowed. "I mean, I felt the need to show black life like it really is. It is a thug/matriarchal environment, which is why I always had this gun-toting black mammy (Madea) ready to come in and take charge."

"As for my TV shows, Meet The Browns and House Of Pain, I merely updated some old Amos and Andy Scripts."

When asked what he did with the money he earned, Beck answered, "How do you think the Tea Party was bankrolled? Yes, the plan was convoluted, but it worked."

Beck was asked what about the backlash from the black community. He shrugged off the criticism. "With those films I did more to correct the problem of black unemployment than Barack Obama."

Right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh was awed. "Hell, I popped oxycontin like they were Tic-Tac, and even in my altered state I never dreamed up anything so diabolical! But don't think I wasn't trying."

Black writers throughout Hollywood were dejected. One told our reporter, "As hard as we worked to get ahead, as much credibility as that cat had, its all gone. Turns out, this was just another step in the plan to keep perpetuating the myth of black inferiority and dysfunction. We should have known something was wrong by the way white folks kept praising the brotha."

Perry/Beck's films have grossed more than a billion dollars worldwide and he is considered the most bankable black director in the industry, that is until now. One executive who greenlighted a Perry film, was asked how this might adversely affect black film making. The exec, who wished to remain anonymous, replied, "It won't. Hollywood is the most unoriginal place on earth. To keep the black audience, we will simply revamp old blaxploitation films. Just this morning I greenlighted remakes of Superfly, Blacula and Slaughter's Big Rip Off-only with white actors Jason Mewes, Nick DiPaolo, and Michael Richards to fill those roles. Why cast white comics in those roles? Because we think the idea of a black hero is a ridiculous notion to begin with. We just can't go back to making films about black guys beating up white guys. We see enough of that on HBO Boxing After Dark."

Another studio bigwig chimed in, "Blacks will probably be too embarrassed to protest. I mean, if it worked for Beck, surely it can continue to be profitable."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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