Washington DC -- Pres. Barack Obama says he has figured out what is causing the US economic slowdown, and that he knows how to cure the economy's ills. But a variety of experts disagree.
"Wall Street is not getting its minimum daily requirement of vitamin D," Obama told a packed press conference conducted earlier today outside the Oval Office. "How else would you explain the market's crazy roller coaster ride?"
The president noted that vitamin D functions as a stabilizing factor and is synthesized by exposing the surface of the skin to sunlight. "When was the last time you saw the stock markets out soaking up some rays?" he asked. "The market movers never get outside. They're always inside trading."
Scientific and financial authorities from all over the world are challenging Obama's diagnosis. "Entire organizations don't suddenly come down with a vitamin D deficiency," said Sheila Stuffuse, head nutritionist of the Romaine Lettuce Growers Association. "Our research indicates that the stock market should be consuming more leafy greens, which provide a variety of vitamins and minerals."
Roger Pierce, executive director of the group Amusement Ride Operators Of America, advised the president to do nothing. "So the stock market is on a roller coaster ride," he said. "What's so bad about that? Roller coasters are fun and exciting and are one of the best values for your entertainment dollar."
The American Medical Association issued a particularly harsh assessment of the president's economic diagnosis. "We believe that presidents and other politicians should never offer advice about health and nutrition," the group said in a written statement. "The livelihood of millions of healthcare professionals depends upon millions of Americans getting ill and staying sick, and we don't need any amateur quacks screwing that up."
The stock market is scheduled for a blood test in early September. Until then, it plans to stay out of the sun and wear a hat.