WorldRank.org, the leading ranking organization for the world's nations stunned the world last night when it announced that the United States of America had been downgraded to Shit for Brains (SFB) status.
The spokesman for WorldRank spoke to reporters at their London headquarters.
"It's not a pretty picture," said Brian Dunham. "The last few years have taken our cousins in the colonies from the number one ranking in the world to the lowest possible ranking. The US of A now ranks just below the countries of North Korea, Libya, and Somalia---not a pretty picture indeed!"
Journalist: "Mr. Dunham, what does this mean for the future of America?"
Dunham: "Dim I'm afraid. We have requested the UN to send relief educational supplies and counselors but the first contingents of the effort have been met at US airports by roaming gangs dressed in revolutionary war uniforms and carrying muskets. They are refusing to let any supplies into the country. We also have reports that the entire faculty of Harvard University has been taken captive and thrown into the Boston harbor! The hooligans dressed in Revolutionary war uniforms were chanting, "No more books, no more teacher's dirty looks." It's a disgrace! At this point, we are stymied. The parliament is considering taking action to re-take the original thirteen colonies."
Journalist: "How did this happen so fast?" America was the leading nation in the world just a few years ago?"
Dunham: "Since the beginning there was, of course, a degree of SFB in the colonies. It was confined mostly in certain geographical areas. It seemed to flare up at times over the years, during the civil war, the Viet Nam war, and the civil rights movement of the sixties. We cannot tell if it was the inter-marriage within families but in the part of the country where this practice is prevalent, it now seems to be part of the DNA. The worry is that the percentage of people with SFB has increased from 22% to 45% and apparently is indeed in the DNA of large sections of the country. At this point, all we can do is pray!"
In related news, the major TV networks and cable news channels are reporting that China has purchased a majority of their air time for the near future. Evidently the ads show thousands of Chinese hanging out of apartment windows shaking their fists and shouting in English, "It's OUR money---and we want it--- NOW!"
Word just in, Chinese television is advertising properties for sale in the US. The White House is listed as the #3 Special.