Boston Cardinal Sean O'Malley, not be confused with the St. Louis Cardinal left fielder Jamal 'Bubba' O'Malley from Detroit, said today after hearing explosive excerpts of Jackie Kennedy Onassis's tell all tapes, he finally understands why she stopped coming to confession!
In the soon to be aired tapes, the former first lady reveals she had her own raging sexcapades as a way to pay back her philandering husband, JFK, who was known to jump on anything with a skirt by everyone, but escaped exposure thanks to an obliging press, and the all forgiving Catholic Church.
Claiming the sanctity of the confession box, Cardinal O'Malley, now retired and living in exile in Vermont after a series of 'unfortunate incidents' involving altar boys and sopranos in the choir, was reluctant to say too much about the Kennedy clan.
"Yes...well, they could be difficult at times, " recalled the aging O'Malley, " I remember I spent hours with them in the box trying to drag things out of them...most of it having to deal with SEX , unnatural urges and their preoccupation with carnal activities. High spirited lads, I'll say that for them!"
"I tried like the Devil...but in the long run, it didn't work out. It is what it is. The Devil never sleeps you know and manifests himself in many ways!"
Sources close to the Church hierarchy said the Kennedy family spent millions over the decades keeping the diocese in their pocket.
"It seems like every time one of the boys got in trouble, " our source said," whether it involved an unfortunate Irish lass who got pregnant, a speeding ticket, a drunken groping incident, or an unfortunate swimming accident, well...next thing you knew there would be a smiling 'Father Flanagan' showing up in Hyannisport to offer absolution. Most of those 'come to Jesus' moments ended with a good cigar, an Irish toast a new black Cadillac and a stained glass window for the Church!"
"Don't talk to me about the Church!" said Sheila Rauch- Kennedy, former wife of Bob Kennedy's son Joseph. "I dated that S.O.B. for 9 years, was married to him for 12, had two kids by him and the Church, without contacting me, told me my marriage was annulled! I fought it for over 10 years, and Rome finally reversed their decision, but never released their decision to anyone but me, and that was on a F****g post card with a picture of the Pope on it! Absolution my arse...wait till they read my next book!"
Another source close to the Kennedy family said, this isn't the end of the veil of secrecy surrounding the clan. She says Kindle will soon be releasing a new tell all book by Jackie titled "My Big Fat Greek's Wedding Night: How my Sex Life Was Turned Upside Down and Backwards after 40 Years as a Practicing Catholic."
More Bunga-Bunga Tales from Rome as we get them.