Marcus Bachmann, husband of Michele Bachmann, held a press conference yesterday afternoon on the Las Vegas Airport tarmac. He was surrounded by members of the graduating class of 2011 Fix-a-Gay (FAG) School of Moral Behavior. Bachmann, dressed in basic black and pearls, smiled at the assembled journalists and proclaimed success for his program.
"We have proved what some called impossible; we have altered abhorrent behavior and returned these folks to society. Our trip to the Bunny Ranch was a success in almost every way. With a few exceptions we have proven that real sex and a loving relationship is in a cheap motel with a stranger. We have returned these poor sick individuals back into our society."
A reporter inquired, "Mr. Bachmann, I see there are several of your students that are not with you on your return trip. Can you explain?"
Bachmann: "Well," he paused, "I can. Three of our group fell in love and are staying behind at the ranch. We wish them well. Three are staying behind and opening their own business. We wish the Pro Bono Ranch a huge success! You never know what road success will take. We do know that straight is more important than narrow."
Reporter: "Does this mean that you will continue your efforts and Fix-a-Gay will continue?"
Bachmann: "Of course. I have always said, and will continue to say, better latent than blatant," he paused, "and narrow is the closet door but wide is the world of opportunity."
Reporter: "What next, Mr. Bachmann?"
Bachmann: "I will be returning home to apply for another government grant and prepare for next year's class. But meanwhile," he paused, turned to the young man standing next to him and drew him close. He kissed him gently on the mouth and said, "this one's mine!"