The Center for Disease Control is investigating mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, who sometimes straps on a cape and claims to be Superman, of the planet Krypton, in connection with the spread of a new antibiotic-resistant strain of gonorrhea.
"This strain of the disease is from another planet," one scientist said. "Kent is the only guy we know around here who might possibly be a real alien."
Gonorrhea, sometimes referred to as The Clap, has been a nuisance for decades, but could usually be chased away with a good dose of antibiotics. The new strain is impenetrable and unstoppable with modern medicine.
"Our only hope now is to find a way to make a synthetic Kryptonite to stop this thing," a ghonorrhea researcher said.
Authorities are currently seeking both Clark Kent and Lex Luthor to assist in locating Kryptonite to be used in tightly controlled lab tests. The substance is a rarity on Earth.
"Penecillan just bounced right off of it. I watched it through the microscope. The STD bullied the antibiotic right off the microscope slide," the researcher said. "This thing even has the strength to blow through the reservoir tip of the typical condom."
The symptoms are much the same, just amplified.
One man suffering from the illness experienced an intense burning and pain.
"I was shooting a heat ray out of it, and sir, I'm no liar," he said. "These pants are on fire from super gonorrhea."
Superman's publicist released a statement allegedly from the Man fo Steel, but the man himself is nowhere to be found.
"I'm talking for my client here, 'I am not responsible for this tragedy. You need to talk to Lois Lane about that night she spent with Jimmy Olsen. I'll bet that freak even has pictures," the publicist said.
It is speculated that Kent, or Superman, is hiding away at a reclusive fortress made of ice, where he too is trying to recover from the disease.
"If anyone has had contact with Superman, they need to be checked by a physician immediately. If anyone knows where he is, they need to share that information with us for the sake of humanity," authorities pleaded today.