The FDA has issued a warning on the box of the Evital, otherwise known as the 'Morning after Pill' as counterfeit and is actually Clomiphene, a pill that can release multiple eggs and result in a pregnancy of two or more infants during unprotected sex.
The warning was intentionally placed in such small print that without high power magnification, no one can read the writing. Evital was sold with false promises that it would prevent a pregnancy if a couple failed to use a contraceptive. However, it is now known that the pill was intentionally switched in order to punish those who are impulsive and spontaneous.
"People with those traits should be made an example of and forced to have babies." Said the FDA
"Having sex without a planner is ridiculous. Honestly, who has unplanned sex anymore? Almost every person on the face of the earth has a smart phone. The app "Intimate Planner" is free so there is no excuse not to have it. Adults who schedule their personal time together will have within their reach reliable contraceptives because they won't be caught off guard, but those who rush into things will suffer the consequences of lust," said an undercover FDA spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous.
Asked why they felt it was morally right to deceive the unsuspecting offenders, the FDA posed this question in return. "Why is spontaneity rewarded with a quick fix pill? If two people want to be responsible adults, they should plan all encounters. Making an appointment for sex is equally as important as your retirement, or even a marathon. Would you trust your future to an impulsive decision to deposit your money in some uninsured bank? If they went bankrupt, you would have only yourself to blame for improper planning. What about a marathon? How many people would spontaneously run in the Boston marathon?" He asked. "No runner would take on such an endeavor and end up with a pulled hamstring, dehydration, or worse yet, death from not thinking about the effects of such poor choices."
The FDA claims that many irresponsible adults think they can slip through the system unnoticed.
"Now we have a way of exposing their sneaky adventures and the statistics don't lie." he said.
Currently some hospitals are just now seeing increases in multiple births due to the switch. Some states will be reeling in the tax benefits of providing education to the new generation labeled "The Morning Babies" which may soon outnumber the Baby Boomers.
States such as Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Vermont, Maine and New Hampshire have seen the highest increase due to an old blue book law by the puritans that did not allow public displays of affection between husband and wife. The law is still on the books so many people are very eager and forgetful once behind closed doors. The state of Utah is the only state that has seen a drop in multiple births because polygamous families must keep a schedule of intimacy, and therefore have no need for the counterfeit pills.
The FDA has warned that if a woman takes the pill and notices any side effects, she should seek medical attention immediately because states are required by law to publicly announce the offenders. However out of shame many families have gone underground to hide for the next 18 years and will reemerge when the 17-year locusts, the Magicicada, emerge from hiding.
Side Note: Free workshops on how to effectively plan sex have been scheduled around the country, but due to the recent budget cuts, these classes are on hold indefinitely. No further details are available.