Written by Ellie James
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Monday, 1 August 2011

image for Insects to Blame for Fires in Southwest
An innocent cockroach just before it erupts into flames

College Station, Texas - This week is predicted to be the hottest week in Texas on record. While it would be a great thing normally to be considered hot, in a sexual way, it is not great to be living in one of the worst heat waves in twenty years. Things have gotten so hot that children are having contests to see who can build the most edible hotdog cooked on tin foil on the drive way.

Temperatures this week are predicted to be anywhere between 105 and 108 degrees Fahrenheit in the shade. Officials are reminding residents to bring their pets inside, not go crazy with the air conditioners and create brown outs throughout the region, and to be careful with friction while walking on grass.

It's been known for sometime that driving on dry grass can cause grass fires as the exhaust from the car can ignite the dry grass. With the entire state in such dry conditions, people are being urged not only to stop driving on grass, but also to stop walking on grass.

Scientists at Texas A&M have also recently discovered that insects walking on grass will cause grass to erupt in flames, destroying the insect in a millisecond as well as everything else in its path. These hard working entomologists discovered this as they witnessed grasshoppers bursting into flames and turning into tiny balls of fire after carelessly hopping on dry twigs and grass.

Myrmecologists (those who study ants) also concur with the data from the A&M research. Lead Myrmecologist, Evan Wright from the Greater South West Institute of Myrmecology (SWIM), states that their team of researchers discovered lines of burnt grass leading to charred anthills.
It was once thought that these events were just things and people spontaneously combusting, but the study at Texas A&M as well as SWIM concludes otherwise.

There is an African proverb that states "Be on the alert, like the red ant that moves with its claws wide open." In Texas and many other states in the South, residents are saying, "Be on the alert, like the red ant that moves with its claws wide open and on fire."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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