Written by Lucas M
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Topics: Kids, parasite

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

image for Leopard Mauled By Toddlers
Feral Child

(LSM) - Ziggy, a leopard from Omaha Nebraska, was seriously injured today after he accidentally wandered into a daycare and was mauled by several toddlers. Witnesses say the leopard - seemingly unaware of the danger - tried to lick one of the children. This act set the rug-rats into a blood-frenzy, where they used their sticky fingers, toy swords and newly developed teeth to attack the vulnerable animal. Shaking cans filled with coins - standard operating procedures - the daycare workers were able to scare the children away long enough to pull the leopard to safety.

Much like the feral goats of Australia, children are an example of an introduced species. They worked their way through Europe, finally reaching the United States after World War I when several stowed away in the bellies of European prostitutes who were searching for the fathers. Currently, areas such as Park Slope Brooklyn are experiencing child over-population as they have no natural predators except for Pedophiles, which are currently on the endangered list and are usually kept in captivity.

Children, capable of reaching upwards of 7 feet, are known to ravage the lands they inhabit, feeding on animal shaped crackers and the metaphysical "hopes and dreams" of adults. Though they appear harmless, part of the parasitic nature of a child involves converting the brain of a rational adult to that of a territorial sycophant.

"Using boring stories," one daycare expert told reporters, "these 'parents' can lull unsuspecting strangers to sleep - that's when the child begins feeding."

Ziggy the Leopard is expected to make a full recovery. The children are expected to be detoyed and neutered, which should help them make the transition to docile adulthood.

More information as it becomes available.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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