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Monday, 25 July 2011

During an unprecedented and controversial meeting with various news organizations Monday morning, Nadya Suleman-known nationwide in the media as "Octomom"-spoke out against the recent U.S. Congressional debate concerning the federal debt ceiling.

"They're all a bunch of whining babies," said Suleman at a press conference held outside her La Habra, California residence. "And believe me, I know a little something about whining babies."

In a move sure to send ripples throughout the capital-specifically the Senate, where debt talks have reached a nearly hostile levels-Octomom claims that congressional leaders would be better off letting her continue the debate for them or, better yet, balancing the budget herself.

"I've got fourteen kids and no career and I'm still here, still moving along," Suleman said, holding a child in each arm with two tugging at her legs . "You don't see me complaining. Not all the time at least. You senators are just blabbering on though. Shut up and take care of business."

In a separate statement at the same press conference, Octomom had some kind words to say about the recent collective bargaining agreement that officially ended the National Football League's lockout of their players early this morning.

"Those football executives have got the right idea," Suleman said. "Now maybe the players can go back to doing what they do best: playing the game, and wearing those nice tights, and spending their hard earned cash where it's needed."

Following the comment, Octomom winked at the camera then brought her extended thumb and pinky up to her right ear in a gesture believed to indicate that somebody should call her.

Needless to say, the impact of this issued statement will likely be felt around the U.S. for days to come. According to a few individuals, it's already hit home.

"I'm almost ashamed," says Senator James Dickweed, a Democrat from Alaska. "Almost."

"It's times like these that things really come into perspective," says Representative Bill Sheet, Republican from Rhode Island. "We should all take this woman's words into account the next time we start bickering about petty matters."

President Obama is expected to make a statement early tomorrow morning. Kevin Mawae, President of the NFL Player's Association could not be reached for comment.

"The men and women of our federal government need only think about one thing to end this entire debate and move forward," Ms. Suleman added at the end of her conference, taking a deep breath before continuing. "And that one thing is…I'm pregnant."

Octomom then squealed with delight. Indeed, the country is waiting for a response.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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