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Thursday, 21 July 2011

A recent USA Today analysis claiming that federal employees are more likely to die than they are to get fired or laid off has caused an outrage among a certain portion of the American public.

The article-published in the July 19th edition of the national newspaper-provides a list of statistics concerning federal agencies, including one particularly interesting claim that the "1,800-employee Federal Communications Commission and the 1,200-employee Federal Trade Commission didn't lay off or fire a single employee last year."

Many take this as a sign that being employed by the federal government equals the best possible job security in a market that has been anything but sturdy over the past few years. But, according to Orlando freelance analyst Juan Desempleo, the numbers are too suspicious to trust.

"It's all bull[expletive deleted]" Mr. Desempleo says. "Want to know another group with a near zero-turnover rate where more quote-unquote 'employees' die of quote-unquote 'natural causes' than get fired?" Mr. Desempleo pauses until he's absolutely sure I do not know the answer to his question. "Ever hear of The Mob?" he follows.

Putting the first two fingers of each hand in the air to indicate quotation marks when necessary, Mr. Desempleo elaborates on his point, offering some thought-provoking observations.

"Consider more federal lawyers have died in the past year than been sacked," he says, taking a sip of his vanilla latte in the local Starbucks where we meet for this interview. "That seem normal to you? Everybody hates lawyers, you telling me nobody's firing these guys? And how did they die? 'Natural causes?' There been any investigations into that?"

Mr. Desempleo-who is currently between jobs-is a former ESPN Headquarters mail clerk turned freelance analyst after being fired from the broadcast company for stealing paper clips-a charge he claims is unsubstantiated.

"They're a bunch of lying [expletive deleted] over there," he says. "But at least they're not murdering their employees. I'd rather be fired than offed any day of the week."

Mr. Desempleo's opposition comes just hours after USA Today's groundbreaking and disturbing discovery that the death rate of federal employees is higher than the firing/lay-off rate. When asked to provide proof of his claims though, Mr. Desempleo grows somber.

"Think it's that easy?" he asks. "They've got a system going, man. But it's all in the numbers. All in the numbers. Watch your back if you work for the government. Watch your [expletive deleted] back."

Needless to say, questions have been asked, and the public is in search of answers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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